Tuesday, February 7, 2017

"Square One" and Why I'll Never be There Again

"I feel like I'm back at square one."

It's an expression I've heard my whole life, and in certain moments I've felt I was the personification of the depressed phrase. In other words, I feel like I've made no progress. I feel like I'm once again where I started, and all that effort in the middle was for naught.

Surely. Surely there's one person out there who will know what I'm talking about. Surely someone else knows this feeling.

But God's been teaching me I'll never be at square one again.

It's really a revelation to me.

I needed that middle stuff to become who I am. And, further, who I'm going to be.

I was not as mature at square one as I am today.

I was not as emotionally stable or secure in my identity in Christ as I am today.

I needed the struggle, the wading through the murky swamps, to become who I am. To grow, and learn, and become stronger so if the next swamp I face is even deeper, I'll have had the practice.

One day, I'm determined I want to write a book. This blog is kind of my idea of getting practice at writing. I want you to like what I write. But even if you don't, I'm never going to be back at square one. Because look at this blog! Is it perfect? No! Is it all I want it to be? No! Are there posts I wish I had never written? Probably! But I've gotten so much practice. I've grown into a better writer than I was at square one. I've learned better how God wants me to write for His glory. And even if this blog goes up in flames or the Russians delete my blog for being too Christian, I will never be back at square one ever again.

One day, some (most?) of us are going to get married and start families. But, girls, even if we have to get to know a few young men before we find the "right one", and even if none of those work out and we feel like we're not covering any ground, we will never be back at square one ever again. We'll have grown closer to the Lord, deepened our friendships with our parents, and discovered more specific qualities about what we will individually and personally need in a lifelong best friend.

That is definitely not back at square one.

We cannot look out over our life choices and think about "what if it doesn't work the way I want it to?", because God's going to work it the way He wants it, for His glory, and for turning us into the people He's making us to be.

I love road trips. Sitting in the back seat of our big van with little kids crying for 8-11 hours without stopping is not exactly what I mean, but in general, I like driving and seeing all of the stuff and going to all of the museums along the way, getting tacos at the Mexican food trucks, and playing the alphabet game.

I would consider myself one of those "Getting There Is Half The Fun" travelers, if that makes sense. I mean, even on the "boring", 13 hour long plane ride from Houston, Texas to Narita, Japan, my friends and I have proven there is fun to be had. The highlight we still joke about is "airplane exercises", where at the top of every hour you skip down the isles to the back of the plane and workout (jumping jacks, lunges, the whole deal). All of those poor Japanese flight attendants must have thought we were going mad! Haha! But I like traveling! The actual traveling part, included!

Except... maybe I don't like that part so much in life. Maybe I kind of would rather just be here, then be there.

My relationship with God is about the moving.

It's not about "I just got saved" so, "now I'm perfect".

It's about let's walk the mountains and valleys together to get where I'm supposed to go for His own glory.

It's about us drawing near to Him, and Him then drawing near to us. (James 4:8)

It's about running the race; striving for the mastery. (1 Corinthians 9:24-25)

But think about that race...

What if this race, the race of life, is like a really long endurance race- a marathon, maybe? What if you ran a marathon on a one-mile park track, and you just had to go around the big circle 26.2 times? Every time you finished one mile, would you just give up and sit down and pout that you were back at "square one"? No! You would still be one mile closer to your goal!

I think life is kind of like that. It only looks like you're back at square one. But that's really impossible.

You're always growing towards something.

You'll never again be the person you were at square one.

And you wouldn't be as strong as you are today without that exercise through the swamps. Plants have to be purged to stay healthy; or at least, they stop bearing fruit.

Just keep pressing on, friends. Direction over perfection.

Don't feel ashamed for hurting- purging will always sting. Just make sure you grow closer to God through it.

I love you guys. Really. All you, my sisters (and brothers?) in Christ. I love you. God loves you. And I hope you can discover through His Word who you are and what His purpose for you is. And I'm praying for you!!


  1. I love this post, Kimberly! It's actually probably my favorite thing you've written on here!

    1. Aww, thank you so much, Elizabeth! God is so good to give me second chances at life and blogging and everything else...

      Praying for you, friend! <3


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